As I sit at my desk watching Queen of Katwe on Netflix and letting my most recent vlog footage render… My mind races with endless unrelated questions.
Is this Zen’s (my youngest sister) 5th time watching the episode of Jessie I hear playing upstairs?
Does Polymer Clay really not dry when exposed to air or is the text written on the box lying?
Have I eaten enough today?
But the question that overshadows all the rest… The question that has been haunting me all summer since I walked across the graduation stage…
What the bleep am I going to do now?
I’m on social security so I can’t work an on the books job, freelancing is my only option. But that’s not even all I’m talking about. What is going to stop me from lying in bed all day watching everything on my YouTube Watchlist? A task that no one with a life should ever be able to accomplish. When am I ever going to see my friends? I live an hour from where I went to college and where most of my friends still reside. A lot of them are either continuing toward their undergrad degree, starting up at masters programs, and/or working jobs. I don’t wanna be that person who graduated but is still hanging around the college campus all the time. I don’t have money for grad school. I don’t have a job. I have nothing going on in my life that forces me into social interactions with people who could potentially become friends. After experiencing that for the 20 out of 24 years of life, I’m terribly afraid of becoming a recluse.
And is everyone expecting something from me now? The last two springs I premiered killer projects. An ambitiously eye-opening video installation. And a feature length film. Are my family and friend just waiting for me to start producing work of this magnitude as fast as I go through cans of peaches? And honestly, most of my work has only been shown to family members and friends. As the rejections start flooding in (I’m kind of being dramatic cause there has only been three, but still) I’m starting to wonder… What if the work I’ve been producing isn’t actually ambitious… groundbreaking… out of the box… good, like I think it is. What if in the grand scheme of art happening around the world, my work still looks like a craft project. Realistically I’ve only been doing this film thing and seriously pursing art as creator for what… 2.5 maybe 3 years? I STILL BARELY KNOW HOW TO PROPERLY ADJUST ISO, APERATURE, AND F-STOP TO ACHIEVE THE LOOK I WANT. I literally just kind of move all of them up and down til it looks how I want, I ain’t got no clue what the numbers really mean. Dang I ain’t never fully admitted that. WHAT IF I’M A FRAUD. Dang this is getting to be a very expensive con I’m running on myself.
But in all seriousness these are my legit fears and insecurities. I dunno when I’m going to work through and get over them. The only way I know to combat them, at the moment, is to keep making art. Even if I’m worried my art ain’t nothin special. Even if it truly ain’t nothin special. I do know, that making art… The process of creating… Brings me such great joy. When I’m creating something, all of a sudden my mind doesn’t race. All I can think about… All I can see… hear… think… feel… is the camera on the tripod in front of me. The scribble scrabble in my latest project notebook. The clay in my hands (been trying out new mediums lately). I spent 3 hours a couple weeks ago animating a doodle I drew. I’ve never done animation before. And all the little doodle did was hop a couple times and flip in the air. I couldn’t figure out how to get the limbs to move. And the end product was only 3 seconds long. But I felt on top of the world when I was done. I felt invincible. I felt like I could do anything.
Regardless of if my art is real life crappy or not… I wouldn’t trade that feeling for the world. And some people will live their whole lives having never felt the pure ecstasy that washes over me when I hit the “Export Media” button. So I must be doing something right, yeah?
Thanks for reading.
Much love and canned peaches,
P.S. If you’ve ever felt any of the negative feelings I listed above. Watch my little doodle man jump around. I promise it will change your life… Or at least make you smile.