As the days flew by since my last blog post it became harder to know where to start with the next one. So much happened in between and I was afraid of leaving anything out but then I was also afraid of writing a book and lawd knows I did NOT have time for that.

I really want to update y’all though. Instead of trying to remember everything that’s happened in the past year, I’m going to start from right here and now. Everything else will naturally fill itself in, hopefully.

Here, now, today. Today is surprisingly a good day. Not as good as I was hoping. But nonetheless good. I had my first iron infusion yesterday. In the process of getting on the lung transplant list I saw a hemoglobin doctor who said I’ve been frighteningly anemic for a looooong time and that an infusion could possibly make me less tired and groggy. Even though I know full well my body is in extreme need of new lungs, I naively hoped that maybe this infusion was the true key to everything. I expected to low-key be a super hero afterward. Of course that didn’t happen, I felt exactly the same. But my mom said maybe it will be a delayed reaction. I didn’t wake up until 1 pm today. Hahaha! The tiredness is alive and well. Who knows, though, maybe after the second infusion next week I’ll be able to fly.

Luckily I’ve had months to get used to this baseline so I’m not letting it prevent me from making art. The last couple weeks I have been super productive, I’ve actually been on a roll with COMPLETING projects. Since I last updated y’all I’ve stopped working as a caregiver so that my schedule can be completely open for doctors appointments and such. My time not spent at appointments has been dedicated to art projects and it’s been very freeing. I have, however, developed a habit of starting new projects before I finish a current one. My attention is so all over the place and I’ve been enjoying learning new mediums that I just have to dip my toe in everything that peaks my interest. It’s been dope though. The only problem is I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH SPACE TO STORE MY ART SUPPLIES NICELY BUT THAT HASN’T STOPPED ME FROM BUYING MORE.

the next day

But I go through these waves of being at my baseline for a while, getting great work done, then the decline starts and I lose my motivation. I woke up in that stage today. Made my way out of bed at 1 PM, brushed my teeth and ate breakfast. Crawled into my mom’s bed and watched a couple shows until I fell asleep. Crawled out of that bed at 9 PM to make myself eat some more food. When my decline hits, it hits hard and sudden. For the past two weeks I had myself on a schedule where I was eating every 2-3 hours to gain some extra cushion in preparation for the lung transplant. Typically patients lose at least 15 lbs afterwards so the docs would ideally want me at 154 lbs beforehand. That means gaining about 25 lbs. And by eating every 2-3 hours I was steadily movin on up. But when my decline hits, aside from my breathing, my appetite is the FIRST to go. Some of it is a mind thing. My depression and anxiety hit heavy and I get so much in my head about how crappy I’m feeling that I sort of talk myself into feeling worse and worse and worse. I haven’t done anything from my to do list today. I haven’t done anything creative at all. I completely abandoned my sleep schedule. I didn’t eat nearly enough.

I’m. Spiraling.

Praying I wake up on steady ground tomorrow.

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