To Live is to Survive (but not always vice versa)

OOOOHH Happy New Day Lovelies!!!

We’re going to start this month’s blog by opening up Kadazia’s Dictionary of Words with Meanings and Defined Definitions (trademark pending). Let’s define a couple of words to keep in mind for the rest of this blog entry.

Survive (SERV-EYE-V): A person or animal doing whatever is necessary to keep their body alive. Keep their skin attached to their bones. Their hearts pumping. Their blood flowing. Their lungs filling with air. I.E. Eating, at least, the minimum number of calories per day. Drinking water. Flossing regularly.  

Live (LIV): To experience what life has to offer. To live is to find out what your body enjoys. What your taste-buds crave. What your hands are skillful at. What your mind feels drawn toward (otherwise known as curiosities and passions). I.E. Riding roller coasters. Drawing funny pictures. Eating fried scallops. Watching an excessive amount of television shows.

Since having these certified refurbished breathe easies installed I have been focused on LIVING. Sadly, my post-transplant doctors and I don’t seem to be on the same page about what my tippy top priority should be. At the very least, they don’t find it necessary for me to be prioritizing both equally. They seem to have more of a laser focus on my survival rather than my living.

I am not going to pretend to have ever been a model patient. At least not in the way my doctors would prefer. But the persistent gentle chastising from my doctors does more harm than good. The doctors seem to have a severe lack of a realistic understanding of what I’m up against. From their point of view, the steps for survival are easy to follow. This is because they don’t know me outside of the hospital walls. They’re unaware of the responsibilities, goals, dreams, aspirations, food cravings, DVR records, and trashy teen romance novels I also have to juggle in my everyday life.

They often attempt to make me feel like a failure or just outright stupid. Repeating things I have heard and taken note of before. Not accepting the excuse of I got really sick and it was hard to go anywhere, or I needed to take care of my 7 month old niece, or there was a lot of traffic so my ride was running late and the gas money to drive myself over an hour is a LOT (like have they SEEN the gas prices in trump’s america)? Some mornings I wake up and think, “What’s the point of going through all of this if I’m never going to be able to measure up to their unwavering standards?”

My current doctors don’t know and don’t make an effort to know anything about me outside of my monthly test results and files of my medical history. This would be a non-factor if in-between my short-comings they didn’t stress how much they care about me and my success. These words begin to sound hollow after a while when there’s no emotional effort put forth to make them ring true.

If I felt they truly cared about I would be BURSTING to tell them about how excited I am to have a real shot at a long-term art career. I’d show them the videos of the four foot lungs I created over the summer. They’d be seeing endless photos of the afro unicorn pins I designed or the clay sculptures I’ve mapped out to create. I’d talk their heads off about the Instagram TV series I’ve been writing and podcasts I’ve been working on. If I felt they REALLY cared about ME, I’d be itching to tell them about the second chance these lungs have given me. But it’s begun to feel like they’re not really rooting for me, they’re rooting for the lungs. And that their constant pressuring to do things along their strict terms is a result of them not wanting to feel like they’ve wasted a good pair of lungs on someone underserving of them.

Now that the new lungs are a part of me, I own them. They can’t snatch them back… I’m about to ride these babies ‘til the alveoli’s fall off. BET THAT!!!

Luckily, not everyone working with me in a professional capacity during this transplant has been triflin’!

There were the nurses who took care of me those ten days I spent in the hospital immediately following the surgery for recovery. They were so encouraging about every little bit of progress I made; From the moment I woke up from the coma drugs, choking on the breathing tube, to the moment I was able to milly rock out of the hospital I had been wheeled into ten days earlier. Nurses who weren’t even assigned to me would see me walking around the hallways and call out to me saying things like, “Look at you go, girl!!!” and “There’s nothing but bigger and better things ahead of you!”

Then there was the lung transplant surgeon. He played a big role for obvious reasons. But he also was vital to my recovery in unexpected ways. Most surgeons are said to have (and need) a God complex. He was different. When I met with him for a post-transplant appointment he started off by congratulating ME! He never took credit for the surgical success. Instead he credited God for giving him the skills he needed to perform an A1 transplant. Then he credited me and my body for being so willing and open to accepting the new lungs with such ease. That interaction has been crucial to my ongoing recovery. In that moment, for the first time, I felt like my body wasn’t working against me. But instead, my body and I were FINALLY working in tandem.

Sadly, these folks who played a positive role, are the ones I had the least time with in the transplant process. Their job descriptions only allowed them to be comers and goers. Thankfully, though, outside of the hospital walls I have an endless support system. Family, friends, and YOU! Yes, YOU, reading this blog post right now are supporting me in my health AND art journey.

And I have FANTASTIC news! There is now another fun and rewarding way for you to support my art journey through PATREON! Patreon is a service that allows folks to financially support artist’s they love in their journey’s. This allows the artist to focus on what they do best, CREATING. By choosing from one of the four monthly pledges (tiers) I have personally designed, you will have access to behind the scenes moments of my art process while also receiving monthly gifts to your inbox and/or mailbox! 

Click the link below to learn more about what your contribution could do for both of us!

www.patreon.com/KadaziaSparkles 

 Thanks for reading Lovelies,

Kadazia Allen-Perry

P.S. If you’ve made it this far shoot me an email and tell me what you thought of this blog post. And I’m also curious, how do you deal with people in your life who are meant to help you but don’t align their priorities for YOU with the ones you have for yourself?