What Am I Made Of?

Honestly, I been havin a LOT of realizations lately.

A huge one being that I took waaaaay more risks in my art before my lung transplant than I have since having the physical strength and ability to do much more than I used to imagine. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made some pretty dope work since April of 2019. But most of those things have just kinda come to me. It’s been a while since I’ve chased an idea that seemed out of reach. Really, since I’ve even considered reaching.

My little black book of Creative Bucket List ideas is over halfway full, and I’ve checked off maybe one or two items since 2019? Lord knows I’ve had plenty of time.

For the past two years I’ve consistently blamed my lack of consistent creation on external factors. Like, my niece takes up so much of my focus and attention; I don’t have the proper space to go all in on my big creative ideas; There isn’t enough quiet time to tell the stories on repeat in my head. Sure, there is quite a bit of truth to those excuses, buuuuuut...

If I’m honest, I haven’t been motivated to make making things a priority.

This is why I’ve decided to look for a place to live on my own on the East Coast.

“Kadazia, how did we go from A to Q?”

When you live under your mom’s roof on your mom’s dime, the place is hers. This means that when she says she doesn’t want to see your paintbrushes out everywhere, you put it out of sight; When your clay project is taking up most of the kitchen table, you store the project away when you’re not actively working on it; When your mom and sister start consistently pointing out that you have way more art supplies than you could possibly need… You begin waiting until they’re both asleep to bring in the new batch of supplies and stow them away.

What I’m trying to say is, there comes a time in every adult’s life when they want and deserve to roll around naked in their art supply addiction…

I’m just tryna make a life for myself that isn’t dependent on anyone else. I want to make a home for myself that is as colorful and chaotically chill as I am. There’s something about the idea of decorating a whole place rather than just my bedroom to my liking that feels thrilling. As an artist, I love the chance to fill a blank canvas. And that’s what the new place would be.  

I want my life to become a blank canvas too. I want a fresh start. In a new place that isn’t down the road from family. I’d want to be within reasonable driving distance from them, of course, because I love them dearly and will definitely go through withdrawals. But I need some sort of shock to my system. That’s what my life would be somewhere on my own, a shock. 

The idea of this is both exciting and scary. And I think it’s about time I’m scared again. It’s been too long since I have been. I need to be scared in a way that I can’t just turn to my mom or sister to help me muddle along. That’s when I’ll be able to turn that fear into bravery because I will HAVE TO. I just feel like I’m in a place in my life and art career where I need to force my hand> 

While I have all these grand ideas and imaginings of just getting in a new place and it being like ZAP!  *creative adrenaline suddenly coursing through my veins* Realistically I’ll more than likely be depressed for a while as I get used to the new life change. But that will just have to be a part of the scary. Luckily, I’ve finally gotten to the point in my mental health journey where I know how to ask for help when things get bad and before they get REALLY bad. 

I got myself a place!!!!!!!!!!!

A lil two bedroom in a city I’ve never been to, with floors that are like those floors they have in K-12 public schools, and one of those crime sites says it’s not the safest but when I tell y’all the PRICE IS RIGHT! It’s so right that I can afford to buy a bunch of rugs and one of those Ring Doorbell Systems.

I have second thoughts about this every single day, I really do. I’m pretty terrified. Especially about my safety in a new area as a Black, disabled, woman-presenting person. But Lord knows I’ve survived a lot of impossibly scary happenings in my life thus far. We’re leading with bravery, now, right?

I fly away from Washington State on January 11th and pick up the keys on the 12th. 

Send me good vibes Lovelies.

Kadazia Allen-Perry