Our Fifth Season

Last month was like a very long and dramatic blink. It seems like so much happened while my eyes were closed and when they opened again, I was standing in the debris of it all. I tried to write a blog post. I tried to continue with my week in reviews on Patreon. I tried to make some more sketchbooks. But I was so mentally and physically drained. Then came this month. And it’s really coming at me with that same energy.

A little over a month ago I had a doctors appointment where I scored an 85% on my lung function test (I had been hovering around 75% since July 2019, so WOOT WOOT!) my doctor advised me to stay quarantined until there is a cure or vaccine for the *Cardi B Voice* CORONAVIIIRUSSS. A couple of weeks after that I had another diabetes scare, like back in October 2019. Luckily this time I didn’t completely lose my vision and the blurriness I did experience only lasted a couple of days. Then in the same week, I was asked to lead a summer art class over zoom for the non-profit I work with. And I was also asked, by the host of an online artist network I’m a part of, to build and host a virtual studio within the network to mentor folks as they work through creative long-form projects.

Yeah, I had highs and lows. I didn't give myself much of a chance to process any of it, neither the good nor the bad. I kind of just took each new wave and tried really hard to tread water. This led to me not writing a May blog post for y’all or doing any May Week-in-Reviews for my patrons. In the aftermath of my diabetes spike, I took a week off of making my watercolor characters. But instead of taking a FULL break that week, I played catch-up with everything else. It wasn’t until the end of May that I felt myself washing up onto the shore.

*TRIGGER WARNING – POLICE BRUTALITY*

Then I saw another video of a Black person being murdered by a pOliCE oFfiCeR. This one hit me differently. He was alive and talking, being vocal about his struggle to breathe. And then he wasn’t talking anymore. And then he wasn’t moving anymore. And the knee was still on his neck, making sure the police officers intended goal was reached. And then it was a fight to have arrests be made. And now we are still fighting to make sure what we ALL SAW HAPPEN is validated, recognized, and avenged in the eyes of the law. I was reminded of how different a reality my loved ones and I live in. I was reminded of how most Americans haven’t ever had to experience, consider, or even acknowledge the reality I live in. This month I was reminded of what a privilege it is to still be alive. And how absolutely wild that is.

Obviously, due to my indefinite doctor-advised stay at home order, I can't go protest. But honestly, as my friends tell me about their experiences, I don't know if I would have the courage to go even if I weren’t quarantined. A lot of my friends are my heroes. Their bravery is something I admire. They’ve all endured so much in their lives and still have the courage to stand on the front lines knowing the risks. I'm terrified of putting myself in the line of fire. I really am.

*TRIGGER WARNING – SUICIDE*

I tried to kill myself 6 years ago. I was actively dying for the two and a half years before my transplant. Both of those experiences revealed to me how desperately I want to live. Especially since transplant. I feel like I finally got my real shot at this thing called living. But I sometimes feel selfish about that.

Folks are burning police cars, getting tear-gassed, shot with rubber bullets, arrested, and outright murdered. While I'm sitting at home painting imaginary watercolor characters. Then, a couple of days ago, someone asked me how I'm taking care of myself during this time. My honest answer was my characters.

I'm building this world on an asteroid where all the people are Black and their biggest worry in life is finding out what gives them joy. What their purpose it. I dream of that world for us. I dream for that to be a Black person's greatest fear, not finding their life’s purpose. Creating art has always been my means of answering huge questions that plague me. It’s become how I cope or gain some sense of understanding of what life is. In such a tragic time as this, I wonder if my art is doing much of anything for anyone else.

I find my safe space in creating, organization, and planning. This is where I feel the safest because this is where I feel I have control over what happens to me and my life. When I deviate too far from whatever my current normal is, I get so overwhelmed that it’s hard to bring myself back. I keep taking on new projects because I can make a timeline for them. I always know the next task I need to do. Then I put on my audiobook and do it. Safe in my pink and purple room. My thoughts, fears, sadness, worries are much more approachable when I’m holding a paintbrush or pencil or camera or dip pen.

I want to be able to make art because I love to make art. I don’t ever want to make art because I’m trying to figure out why some people are killing us, and other people are okay with it. Sadly though, that’s been the case for a lot of my projects.

I want justice for my people. I want to be able to laugh as loud as I want and it not to be to keep from crying. I want people to not hold me to some high expectation. I want Black people to not be killed, caged, and tortured every day for sport. I want murder to be considered murder regardless of who did it or who died. I want Breonna Taylor to have been safe sleeping in her own home. I want Tony McDade to have not been living in fear before and at his time of death. I want George Floyd's daughter to have seen her Daddy as a hero while he was still alive. Why do Black folks have to die to become heroes when we have always been the manifestation of strength, endurance, beauty, and joy? There are a lot of things I don’t understand. There are a lot of things I want. There are a lot of things I won’t ever get. There are a lot of tears I will shed in the future. And the tears right now? I'm using them to activate my watercolors as I paint the beautiful Brown skin of my next character.

You can find all of my character illustrations on my Instagram: @KadaziaSparkles

And you can find even more of my drawing practice, challenges I'm taking part in, week-in-reviews, and more by pledging as little as $1/month on my Patreon: www.patreon.com/KadaziaSparkles

Try to stay safe out there.

Thanks for Reading Lovelies,

Kadazia Allen Perry